Premier Inn Liverpool West Derby Hotel Liverpool

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You arrive, and the lobby hits you with that signature scent: a blend of industrial carpet cleaner and hope. The staff are famously cheerful, probably because they’re legally required to be. One receptionist told me the secret to the hotel’s pillows is “aggressive fluffing”.

I asked if I could have a room overlooking the car park, and she looked me dead in the eye and said, “Sir, all our rooms overlook the car park.” She wasn’t lying. It’s a premium car-park view, though—very scenic if you’re a seagull who likes used tires.

Thicker Than a Bowl of Scouse

The rooms are a marvel of ergonomic efficiency. The bed is so firm you could host a game of table tennis on it. But that’s the secret: after a day walking around the Albert Dock, that mattress feels like a cloud made of memory foam and gentle forgiveness.

And the curtains! They are blackout curtains of the highest order. They’re so dark that you lose all concept of time. You’ll wake up at 3 PM thinking it’s 6 AM, eat a breakfast muffin in the dark, and feel like a vampire who’s just discovered baked beans.